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A Grave Situation

by Miles Howard, USA, Age 15

The dead have risen! This is no joke, I assure you. I’ve just spent the last ten minutes nailing old two-by-fours over my doors (actually more like the last half hour, seeing as I frantically nailed them inside the house before realizing my blunder). However, having all those holes in the walls is no concern when compared to the zombies. I just hope that I can hold out for a few months on the canned palm hearts and kidney beans that have been in my basement since the Spanish-American war.

Allow me to bring you up to speed. Just the other day, a small village in the Madhya Padresh state of India witnessed something worthy of “Night of the Living Dead Part Fifteen”. On Monday morning, a man by the name of Raju Raghuvansi strolled into the village, where he had once lived before being whisked off to prison for some time. The only trouble is, Raghuvansi was actually pronounced dead of a stomach ailment several months ago. For all you anxious readers, I have one word: AAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!

The villagers dealt with the situation a little more coolly than I did. Right now, Raghuvansi has been shunned by the township, and has filed a complaint with the local police. I urge all policemen of the Madhya Padresh state, or for that matter the world, not to be won over by the dead! You’re our strongest ally. Without the law on our side, the zombies will be on top of the world in mere days, sipping brain martinis! Remember when you heard someone call the local gym a “meat market”? Well, that saying is going to take on a whole new meaning when this thing really gets out of hand. While some of my colleagues may disagree with me, I don’t think we can count on Chuck Norris for homeland security in this kind of a scenario. Oh God, just imagine if Chuck goes zombie! Then we’re really in trouble. And don’t expect Mr. Miyagi to save our asses either, because he’s already a zombie (which is why I predict that Japan will not last long).

Actually, the whole fiasco with Raju Raghuvansi was all a big misunderstanding. Turns out that he was in fact cured, but the prison told his family that he had died (so I guess the story is in fact more worth of something from the Hallmark Channel). However, I think we’ve been strangely fortunate, and should continue to prepare accordingly for the zombie apocalypse that is soon to come. I’ve taken the time to come up with a survival list. If you’re anything like me and have watched the original “Dawn of the Dead” over fifty times, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

#1: Arm yourself America! Seriously, if we want to stand any chance, the first thing to do is find a firearm of some sort. As much as I love it, my potato gun won’t be putting any zombies down. Normally I’d also advocate the National Rifle Association, but I’ve just received word that Charlton Heston has abandoned us and taken shelter in a secret bunker somewhere near the equator! Damn you Charlton, DAMMMNNNN YOU!

#2: Find Charlton Heston’s bunker and commandeer it. I’ll be honest; I don’t like guns and I’m starting to feel a little jittery with this M-16 lying around the house. So I think that our new plan should be to take over Charlton Heston’s secret bunker. With over a million of us, it may be a tight squeeze, but at least we’ll have food and shelter. Infrared satellite photos show that it’s somewhere in the Columbian Jungles. Perhaps we can talk the FARC rebels of that area into helping us track it down. Even if we can’t locate the bunker, at least we’ll have some hardcore guerrillas on our side when the zombies get the munchies.

#3: Everyone is a suspect (zombie). Be ready to do battle with anyone at anytime. If your boss is bitten by one of the dead, there’s no hope left. I know it’s a difficult and morally torturous decision, but you must find the strength within yourself to grab that money-grubbing, hard-nosed, two-timing, lying, racist, sarcastic, ass-munching son of a bitch and LET HIM HAVE IT! BWA HA HA HA HA!

#4: Don’t hold your breath when you drive past the cemetery; hold a flame thrower. You never know when this could all take place, and you do NOT want to be caught with your pants down (metaphorically and literally) when the zombies awake.

#5: When the cities are in ruins and the last zombie has been decimated, remember who wrote this article. What’s that? You think I’m writing this for fun? Hell no! I’m a bored blockhead, and I’m not afraid to admit it. Why else would I watch all those zombie movies? I want some fame and glory (or at least some new guitar picks). When each one of you is alive after following my advice, I want you all to build me a throne of zombie bones, and carry me to sunny California, where you will then construct for me a palace with revolving towers, moats filled with piranha, and a flat screen TV the size of Uganda. From there I plan to eat mountains of Udon noodles every day, have the monthly Victoria’s Secret catalog delivered by armored car, and RULE THE WORLD!!!!! (And possibly watch “Dawn of the Dead” one more time).