From
the Summer 2002 Issue
REAL LIFE
Getting Deep:
Talking about stuff that matters
Q&A with Dr. Dorothy
Dorothy Ratusny is a Certified Psychotherapist
specializing in Cognitive Therapy.
Send your 'Getting Deep' questions to dorothy@fazeteen.com.
Q:
Once, when we were arguing, my boyfriend pushed me so hard
into my locker that it bruised my shoulder. My friends say I should
dump him for that but he apologized and said he would never do
it again and I believe him. What should I do?
A:
Listen to your gut instincts on this one.
This may be an isolated incident, but you still need to address
your boyfriend's behaviour with him. No physical contact of
any kind is acceptable when someone is angry. One good indicator
of whether this kind of behaviour is likely to happen again
is the level of respect that your boyfriend has for you - and
for women in general. If he is respectful towards you and others,
this may be an isolated incident. However, when we have respect
for others, we are conscious of not doing anything that would
physically harm them. Let him know how this incident made you
feel, (using 'I' statements, eg. I felt…when you pushed
me), and discuss what both of your needs are. You need him to
never be physical in this way with you again, and for him to
learn how to be able to recognize when his anger is starting
to escalate in order that he may intervene and regain control.
Q:
I'm really attracted to fair skin, fair hair kinda guys.
In fact, I've only dated blondes. Recently someone accused me
of being racist because I won't date 'coloured' guys. I have a
lot of friends from ethnic backgrounds and feel like they may
start thinking that I am. Short of dating a 'coloured' guy, I
don't know how I can prove that I'm not. What can I do?
A:
Being racist and having a preference for
what you are physically attracted to are two very different
things. If you have a lot of friends from various ethnic backgrounds,
it would already suggest (to them and to yourself) that you
are certainly not racist. Still, the wonderfully interesting
thing about life is that we can never predict the future. As
you continue to be open to meeting and getting to know people
of all ethnic backgrounds, you may one day find that you are
attracted to a guy who isn't your 'type' physically. Yet because
he is such a wonderful human being, he becomes physically attractive
to you as a result of who he is inside.
Q:
One of my teachers is very friendly. He often puts
his hands on my shoulders, or he'll push my hair out of my face
and once he fixed my top so my bra strap wouldn't show. He's never
done anything really inappropriate but sometimes I feel things
aren't cool. I definitely don't want to get him in trouble because
he's a great teacher and a nice guy and I might be just making
something out of nothing. What should I do?
A:
Your teacher's behaviour IS inappropriate.
Being a friendly teacher doesn't constitute the physical contact
that you have described. The best, and most effective, way to
deal with this is to speak openly about how uncomfortable you
feel by his excessive touching. As a 'great teacher' and a 'nice
guy' he should easily respect your personal space and perhaps
he just needs to be reminded of this. Saying, 'I appreciate
that you are an affectionate person, but I feel uncomfortable
when you…' is a way of gently, yet firmly letting him know
how you feel. For the moment, it is important to give him the
benefit of the doubt as to the intentions of his actions, and
an opportunity to change his behaviour.
Q:
My friend just lost her twin sister in a car accident.
They were best friends. I'm scared if I do too much she might
think I'm trying to replace her sister but if I don't do enough
I might look inconsiderate and heartless. How should I handle
this?
A:
Just be yourself. Do for your friend what
you know she would appreciate, and remember that you are her
'friend' and not her sister. Let her know that you are there
for her but encourage her to tell you if she needs some 'quiet
time' or 'space' so that you can best accommodate her needs.
Because you know her well, I am sure that you will help her
tremendously through this very difficult time.
