From the Spring 2002
Issue
REAL LIFE
Getting Deep:
Talking about stuff that matters
Q&A with Dr. Dorothy
Dorothy Ratusny is a Certified Psychotherapist
specializing in Cognitive Therapy.
Send your 'Getting Deep' questions to dorothy@fazeteen.com.
Q:
A friend of mine is cheating her way through school.
She finds the most creative ways to scam on tests, exams, quizzes,
you name it! I've never said anything to her but now that we're
both trying to get into university, I've begun to resent it,
especially since her marks are better than mine, but I actually
know more!! Should I be feeling this way?
A:
Since your thoughts create
your feelings, the more you think about how dishonest it is
that your friend is cheating, the more you will feel resentful
of her actions. If this is a friend that you see being in your
life for a long time, you may want to have a serious talk with
her about how her dishonesty is affecting the way you feel about
her and your friendship. The bottom line is: it will catch up
with her. Feel good about earning your grade the honest way,
and know that when this friend gets to university, she will
really have a tough time. You don't get away with cheating as
easily in university and the consequences are far more severe.
You in the meantime are learning good study habits, which will
serve you well the rest of your life.
Check
out this link for information on how the stress of academic
achievement may lead to cheating.
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1998/03/980304073520.htm
Q:
Someone I know brought a gun to school to show it around.
He's really harmless and a nice guy - I think he's just trying
to seem cool. I don't want to get him in trouble or anything but
I thought it was a loser thing to do. What should I do?
A:
Since you know this
person, please tell him to never bring the gun to school again.
Assuming that the gun is not still on school property, you may
also decide to let him know that your first concern is for other's
safety, and that it is your obligation (and the obligation of
others), to let the school authorities know if he chooses to
bring the gun back. By taking a pro-active stand, the ball is
now in his court. If he chooses to bring a gun to school again,
he does so knowing that there will be consequences for his actions.
It sounds like this person is looking for attention and also
respect from his peers. Remind him that there are so many other
positive ways to get others' attention.
Below
is a link of the timeline of school shootings in Canada and
the U.S. from 1996 to 2001. Remember, these all occurred because
someone brought a loaded gun to school.
www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0777958.html
Q:
I think my dad is cheating on my mom! When mom's not home I hear
him whispering on the phone and other stuff like that. Should
I tell my mom what I suspect even if I don't have any real proof?
A: If
you suspect that your dad is cheating on your mom, then you
probably have other 'evidence' to support the notion that things
are not going well in your parents' relationship. Approach your
dad in private and tell him your thoughts. Let him know how
important it is that he tell you honestly what (if anything)
is going on. Based on his answer to you, you may lay your suspicions
to rest. If he is cheating, then it becomes a tougher issue.
Hopefully, with your encouragement, he will have the strength
to be honest with your mother, as this information should ideally
come from him.
Q:
Every now and then when things get really bad I sometimes
think about suicide - I don't plan it out or anything, I just
think about it for a while and then forget about it. I know I'd
never do it though. Is this normal?
A:
Having fleeing thoughts about
suicide every now and again when things get really bad is something
that many teens experience. Continual preoccupation with thoughts
of suicide and the creation of a plan to actually carry out
those thoughts is far more serious. The next time you are feeling
depressed or hopeless about things, ask yourself, "What
do I have to be grateful for?" You'll be surprised with
the things you come up with and, more importantly, your focus
is now on what is good about your life. Your positive thoughts
will help you to feel better, since your thoughts create your
feelings and your feelings create your behaviors. If you can
remember to think about the positives in your life when things
get bad, you will not only start to feel much more positive
and optimistic, but you will eventually get in the habit of
having greater control over your mood state.
The Kids Help Phone is a toll-free, 24-hour telephone
counseling service. Check out their site or call for more information
on what you can do when you have thoughts of suicide.
Kids Help Phone, 1-800-668-6868
www.kidshelp.sympatico.ca
Q:
I'm pretty sure my friend has a
serious eating disorder. I've mentioned that she's been losing
a lot of weight and she just shrugs it off. What should I do?
A:
The best thing you could do
for your friend is to be there for her. Let her know that you
are concerned for her and that she can come and talk to you
(confidentially) at any time. As much as you want to help her,
unfortunately, your friend has to want to receive your help.
If she does have an eating disorder, you will probably come
to know about it sooner or later because of the amount of time
the two of you spend with each other. If she does confide in
you, encourage her to see a nutritionist in order to draw up
a 'healthy' eating regime. People who develop eating disorders
tend to have negative body image and poor self-esteem, so your
friend may also want to seek out a counselor to talk about what
may be bothering her and to support her in overcoming the eating
disorder.
Your friend can obtain a referral to see a Nutritionist from
her family doctor. Alternatively, she may want to check out
the information on eating disorders at www.kidshelp.sympatico.ca,
or speak to one of their counselors at 1-800-668-6868.
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