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RELATIONSHIPS
From Issue #20
Getting Deep
Your tough questions answered
Q&A with Dr. Dorothy
I’m so afraid of dying of breast cancer. I want to
take a mammogram but my friends freak out when I
talk about going to the doctor and tell me that I am
too young to worry. I’m 18. Should I relax a little
bit and stop worrying?
The short answer is YES. Relax a bit! We create unrealistic
fears by building a big “story” around something that we
have no evidence for. Challenge your thoughts by asking
yourself, “Where’s the evidence?” So in this case... “Where’s
the evidence that you’re going to die of breast cancer?” In
reality, there really is no evidence! Once you learn how to
challenge your worrisome thoughts, it becomes easier to let
go of them. Practice using “Where’s the evidence?” on all of
the thoughts that create anxiety for you and notice how you
start to feel. You can also stay informed by educating
yourself on the research (including well-evidenced risk
factors) around breast cancer. The more knowledge you
have, the less likely you are to “freak out” about worries that
are not based on actual fact.
My boyfriend recently cut his hair to please my family. The
thing is, he didn’t have to, and now he blames me for it. I
understand his emotional attachment to the hair he had grown
for two years, but I’m tired of apologizing. What should I do?
I think that it’s important for you to stop apologizing. Your
boyfriend made the decision to cut his hair, regardless of
what he claims the reasons were. While it sounds like he is
regretting his decision, blaming you keeps him from taking
responsibility for his actions. You can compliment him on his
new haircut, but allow him to accept responsibility for what
he has chosen to do. You may have to be patient for this to
happen (and there are no guarantees that he will ultimately
accept responsibility), but continuing to apologize doesn’t
help him. By the way, there’s also a good lesson in all of this:
trying to please others rarely makes us happy in the end!
I just became friends with a new girl. She’s my neighbour and
she's really religious. The subject of beliefs hasn't come up
yet, but she assumes that I'm Christian as well. (I'm not.) I
don't believe in God, and I don't want to offend her, but I don't
like the way she's always giving me religious advice and
asking me to go to church with her. How should I tell her
that I don't want to go?
Close friendships are typically (although not exclusively)
based on shared values and beliefs. If this girl is a real
friend, she won’t judge you for having your individual beliefs
-- about religion or any other subject. By explaining how you
feel about religion and acknowledging your differences, the
hope is that you can have a dialogue about what you both
believe and still remain open to learning from each other.
A girl I know is into heavy drinking. One time, she
passed out in some bushes behind school property.
A few friends and I found her, and she was sent to
the hospital where she was diagnosed with alcohol
poisoning. She never thanked us. She calls me horrible
names and spreads nasty rumours about me. Once,
we got into a fight about a guy and she threw a
cheeseburger at me! We could have left her there
instead of helping her. Why is she being so mean?
It sounds like this girl is pretty unhappy. It must have been
embarrassing for her to have you and your friends find her
passed out in bushes. Even though lashing out at you by
spreading rumours (or throwing food) is clearly not the
answer, try and put yourself in her shoes. Remember, it’s
easier for some people to be hurtful and mean rather than
take responsibility for their actions. If this girl is a heavy
drinker -- and has had alcohol poisoning—there are probably
other serious issues she’s dealing with personally and in her
home life. Keeping that in mind may help you deal better
with her bad behaviour towards you and your friends.
I really want to quit smoking pot, but it seems
impossible. All of my friends smoke, and most of our
social activities centre around smoking in one way
or another. I don’t want to drop my friends, but I
also don’t want to be smoking every day when I grow
up and have a family. Since this is my last year of
high school, I feel like I should be making some
mature decisions about my future. I’m not sure that
I want to stop smoking completely just yet, but I
know that this will have to change. Can you help?
The fact that you have identified this as a potential problem for your
future is a very mature step. You don’t necessarily have to drop
your friends, but you may find that as you cut back on your
smoking, you may start to look for friends who don’t smoke (or who
smoke much less frequently). When you feel ready to start working
on this, you can begin by slowly cutting back on the amount that
you smoke. Over time, you may find that you are able to smoke
every other day or just on weekends as a step towards quitting.
For now, begin to pay more attention to the reasons why you smoke.
Are you using pot as an escape from other things in your life that
may be stressful? Is it something that you have gotten used to
because it’s just what everyone does? Is it something that you feel
that you could change? Knowing where you stand with regards to
smoking pot will help you when you are ready to cut back or quit.
For more on Dorothy check out www.dorothyratusny.com
Follow Faze on Twitter @FazeMagazine
What Do You Think?
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