RELATIONSHIPS
From Issue #13
Getting Deep
Your tough questions answered
Q&A with Dr. Dorothy
Q: I’m 17 and my bro
is 19. When my parents
go out or away for the
weekend they leave me in
charge of the keys to the bar
and the car. My brother is kinda
wild sometimes so I know why
my parents do it, but it’s
causing a rift between my
bro and I. I’m not sure
what to do.
A: Parents can often, unknowingly,
create problems between siblings
because of the different
treatment they give. Ideally,
your parents need to set some
ground rules for the two of
you before they go away, and
trust that both of you are
equally respectful and responsible
young adults. Should
your brother behave otherwise,
it’s up to your parents to hold him
accountable. If your relationship with
your brother is good, then when your parents
are away, you could probably throw him a friendly
reminder on what the ‘ground rules’ are, but ultimately
he needs to be responsible for his own actions. Talk to
your parents and ask them if they would please instil
equal rules and responsibility for both of you.
Q:
My friend has
a small box she’s asked
me to take care of. Whenever
she comes over (often) she takes
it into the bathroom and returns it
to me for ‘safekeeping.’ She says
it’s her diary but I think she keeps
drugs in it. I don’t want to be a
snoop or suggest I don’t trust her
but I don’t want to get mixed
up in that kind of
stuff. Help.
A: If you decide
that you don’t
want to get into
a conversation
over what is
actually in the
box (given that
you have some
strong suspicions
about its
contents), you may
wish to simply tell
your friend that you
would feel more comfortable if
she kept the box in a different ‘safe’ place. While you
may find it difficult to speak your mind on this one, a
real friend will respect and understand your decision
and won’t pressure you to do something that you don’t
want to do.
Q:
I have three older
sisters and they all act
and dress like Barbie dolls.
I hate that look. I’m into black,
pants, spiked belts and running
shoes. They said they just “had
to ask me” if I wanted to be a
guy. I’m all girl but I’m really
hurt that my sisters still
don’t know me.
A: It’s understandable that you
would feel hurt by their question.
Unfortunately, when we make
judgments about others based
on how we think they should
be, we automatically stop
accepting and valuing them
for who they are. As we mature
and evolve it is hoped that we
learn how to accept all people
regardless of inherent differences.
We may not necessarily agree with
someone, but it is still important to respect
the fact that they are entitled to have a different opinion.
Sometimes we need to be reminded that it is our
individual differences that allow us to learn from each
other. Sharing some of these thoughts with your sisters
may help them to see the bigger picture, but equally
important, make an effort to spend some quality time
with them so that you can get to know each other a bit
better. You may find that there is more to them than
their ‘Barbie doll look’ as well.
Q:
My mom has a new
boyfriend and I told her
I didn’t like him. Recently
he hit on my best friend
(she’s 17). I feel if I tell her
about it she’ll think we’re
just making it up
to break them apart.
What should I do?
A: It sounds like your
instincts were right. Now, let
me ask you one question…if
you were in your Mom’s shoes,
would you want to know the
truth? While sometimes
the truth is not what
we want to hear,
deep down, if we
are being completely
honest with ourselves, we
usually know what is right or best.
In the end, your Mom will (hopefully),
make the best choice concerning
her new relationship. Out of
respect for her and your best friend, it’s
important that you speak up. In regards to
your concern about being credible, find a time to talk
with your Mom when it’s just you and her alone, and
preferably, when you are not already in a heated discussion
about her boyfriend. She’s more likely to hear what
you have to say if it comes from a place of concern and
caring rather than one of anger and frustration.
Q: My mom is 40
and wants to have
another kid. I hate the
idea. I think she’s too
old. What can I tell her
to convince her it’s
not a good idea?
A: Get some alone time with your Mom and
ask her to share her thoughts and feelings on
the topic. Understanding her rationale behind
this potential decision will help you tremendously
regardless of what she ends up doing.
Ask her how she sees life changing for her, and
for others in the family, if there is another child
to care for. Ask her about her goals and dreams
for the future. What you are doing here is (indirectly)
forcing her to think about the bigger picture. She
may decide that it’s still exactly what she wants to do or
she may begin to have second thoughts. Hopefully,
your conversation will also allow you an opportunity to
share your thoughts and feelings on the topic as well.
Ultimately your support will mean a lot to your mom.
For more on Dorothy check out www.dorothyratusny.com
