SPORTS & FITNESS
From Issue #6
HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA
Let's keep it that way
By Scott Feschuk
Canada
and the United States share a border, and there's talk that
we might one day share a currency, but we seem a long way from
sharing a passion for the same sports.
Consider the television ratings of National Hockey League games
in the United States. They're even worse than those of the XFL,
the upstart football league that barely lasted a season south
of the border.
But Gary Bettman, the NHL's commissioner, insists he's "comfortable"
with the size of his sport's audience in the U.S. and asserts
that, in the name of continuity, no major changes will be made
to the game or its
marketing efforts.
Alas, the National Hockey League needs continuity the way Eric
Lindros needs another thwack to the melon. It seems clear the
sport requires a rather serious overhaul if it is ever to be
successfully sold south of
the border, and that this demands action not only from the league
but also its broadcast partners.
OK, I'm joking here.
But
could you imagine what crazy ideas folks in the United States
might come up if they were ever to try to sell our game more
aggressively to the American people?
Here are a few obvious and inexpensive tricks that they'd probably
use to help hike ticket sales and TV ratings for the 2001-2002
season in the U. S. of A.:
All
players with foreign-sounding, European-type names like Jaromir
and Pavel henceforth to be referred to as "Bob."
Goodbye Al Michaels, hello Regis Philbin.
At the end of each period, players required to cast ballots
to expel a teammate from the game. Jeff Probst will annouce
the victim.
New rule for goaltenders: Make a save, chug a beer.
To assist U.S. marketing efforts, one player on each club
must legally change name to Wayne Gretzky.
Two zambonis drive onto ice at intermission -- only one comes
off!
To heighten popularity of sport among American youth, league's
next expansion franchise to be awarded to 'N Sync.
Two-line pass: illegal. Three-line pass: AOK!
Stanley Cup Finals to be officially renamed Stanley Cup Smackdown.
Out: Video replay to determine validity of scoring play. In:
Goal judge only permitted to seek assistance by phoning a
friend or asking the audience.
Standard post-goal embrace replaced by choreographed dance
number featuring Britney Spears.
To
complement Rocket Richard trophy that goes to league's top
goal scorer, NHL to introduce Wayne Gretzky award for Most
Assists and Tie Domi award for Most Instances of Uttering
a Naughty Word while on
National Television.
Dressing room footage enhanced by Smell-o-Vision!
Game-dulling "trap" negated by expertly placed mines
in neutral zone.
League to pursue Nascar-type sponsorships in effort to win
over southern folk by employing more familiar play-by-play
vernacular: "...the Hills Bros. Coffee defenceman breaks
in over the Labatt Blue line,
passes off to the STP/Cheerios centreman who fires it past
the GM Goodwrench Service Plus netminder! It's a Spam goal,
y'all!"
Old slogan: The Coolest Game on Earth!
New slogan: Almost Always Less Boring than Soccer!
