From
the Fall 2002 Issue
Real Life
Getting Deep:
Talking about stuff that matters
Q&A with Dr. Dorothy
Dorothy Ratusny is a Certified Psychotherapist
specializing in Cognitive Therapy.
Send your 'Getting Deep' questions to dorothy@fazeteen.com.
Q:
I have made a great new friend and have been over to her
home several times now. She’s amazing, but her parents are
another thing. They are openly racist. They make awful comments
when watching TV and I don’t know how to react. What should
I do? I like hanging out there but, of course, it is there home
and I don’t want to seem rude if I speak up.
A:
It is quite possible that your friend may feel a bit uncomfortable
with her parents’ comments as well. By talking with your
friend, you may develop a better understanding of how her parents
came to have their particular beliefs about others, and about
the world in which they live. Their life experiences, cultural
background, ethnicity, religious views, and the environment
in which they grew up, have undoubtedly contributed to and,
in many ways, shaped how they view others—rightly or wrongly.
Having a better understanding of these contributing factors
often helps us to accept others’ differing beliefs –
especially when they may be biased or critical. This knowledge
may not make you any more comfortable when watching television
in your friend’s home, but it will certainly help you
to develop empathy.
Q:
I have asked my parents to stay out of my room because
I feel it is my ‘private space.’ I don’t have
anything to hide but I still don’t want them in there. Yet,
my mom always has some reason why she needs to go in when I’m
not there, like she was looking for dirty dishes, needed to put
my sweater away, etc. How do I keep her out without putting a
lock on the door?
A:
What you are describing is the wish to ‘change’
your mom’s behaviour. This is going to be impossible unless
your mom makes a conscious effort to agree to not go in your
room when you are not around. I’m sure it is frustrating
for you because no matter how much we would like to, we can’t
change other people’s behaviours. We can, however, change
our reaction to their behaviours. In this case, have a sincere
conversation with your mom (again), explaining how you ‘feel’
when she goes in your room when you are not around, and why
it is so important to you to have your own private space. Get
her thoughts around the definition of ‘privacy.’
Sometimes, another person is thinking that they are honouring
what we are asking but actually, they may have a very different
interpretation of what it is that we want.
Q:
Is it possible to become claustrophobic overnight?
Lately, I feel really uncomfortable in small, closed up spaces
like the girls’ bathroom or the change room in school. It’s
getting really bad. I feel like I’m going to panic and scream
or something if I don’t hurry up and get out. Is this normal?
A:
It is not likely that you have become claustrophobic overnight.
It does, however, sound like you are experiencing what may be
an anxiety attack. Some people when feeling very anxious, have
sensations whereby they feel like thing are ‘closing in
on them’ or that they can’t breathe in small closed-in
spaces. Make a note of what has been going on in your life recently
that may be causing you to feel this way. More importantly,
pay close attention to what thoughts are running through your
head immediately prior to feeling panicky and uncomfortable
in small closed up spaces. Your thoughts are a good indicator
of your present mood state so noticing your thoughts will give
you some important information as to why you are feeling the
need to run from the bathroom, change room, or other small spaces.
When you begin to feel panicked there are also some really effective
breathing techniques that you can use to help you calm yourself
down and alleviate the feelings of anxiety.
Q:
I think my friend is being physically abused at home.
He seems to always have these unexplained bruises on his arms
and legs (maybe more that I can’t see). I don’t know
how to ask him about them or if I even should. What do I do?
A:
How close your relationship is with your friend will certainly
determine your level of comfort with this one. If you believe
that we all have a responsibility to help anyone who might potentially
be physically abused then you may simply decide to openly (and
delicately), ask your friend about all the bruises that he has.
He may have a reasonable explanation, which leaves you satisfied
or you may still feel concerned for him and his safety. Based
on your instincts you may choose to let him know that you are
still concerned and that you are there for him if he needs help.
Look for other apparent signs, like how his parents treat him
in front of you, changes in his emotional state or signs of
depression and self-isolation, which may support your theory
of physical abuse. There are many avenues for support if your
friend is in trouble. Most importantly he needs to know that
help is available to him and that he is not alone. Here are
some resources that can help.
Kids
Help Page http://kidshelp.sympatico.ca/index.html
Kids Help Line 1-800-668-6868
Kids
in Trouble Help Page
http://www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/2910/
Teen
Mental and Physical Abuse
http://www.maxpages.com/angelteen
Health
Canada’s ‘Information on Emotional and Physical
Abuse’ Page
http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/familyviolence/html/emotioneng.html
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