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Ask Ed & Red

Ed The Sock And His Gal Red
In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE,
our readers bare their souls to
Ed & Red, Canada's high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense. Here are Ed & Red's unfettered and heartfelt replies.

Send your own questions to ed@faze.ca and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.

ISSUE #39 Q & A

Faze Reader:
My twin sister is such a nag. We share a room and whenever I’m talking to my boyfriend on the phone late at night, she tells me to be quiet and get off the phone—like she’s some 40-year-old mom who needs to go to bed as soon as the sun goes down. She keeps at me, saying she has to get up early—like I don’t?—and I WANT TO SCREAM AT HER TO NOT BE SUCH A LOSER. Any tips to survive another three years at home with her?
ED:
I feel compelled to clarify that, though I am a sock, I do not have a “twin,” so spare me the jokes. Y`know what? She`s right. Your sister shouldn’t be losing sleep over your mindless late-night BF blabber. You’re choosing to lose sleep to talk to him, but you’re imposing the same choice for her. Cut it out. He`s probably a chump anyway.
RED:
I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but Ed’s right that if it’s sleep hours, then it’s sleep hours. Either switch to a messenger program to cut down on the noise, or work out one day a week where you can talk late. She’s not a nag. She’s tired!


Faze Reader:
By accident I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and had to get this really crappy replacement while I waited for my new phone. But right before I was supposed to get the new one, I LOST THE REPLACEMENT ONE AND NOW MY DAD THINKS I DID IT ON PURPOSE, ‘cause I hated it. So, he says I can’t have the upgrade. How do I get him to regret being so mean and cave on the new phone thing?
ED:
Well, I would think the phone in the toilet would be more crappy, but I digress. Here’s something every generation before you has heard: money doesn`t grow on trees. You’ve shown yourself to be irresponsible. Why would your father want to trust you with a new phone when not only have you shown that you’re careless, but you also haven’t taken responsibility for being sloppy with your phones. The person who needs to show regret is you. Just as I regret having read your myopic complaint. (“myopic”...look it up in the time you’re not spending on the phone)
RED:
It’s true, your dad has every right to not buy you an expensive piece of technology after you’ve lost or trashed the first two. Yes, cell phone accidents happen, but instead of being grateful that you got a new phone when you broke the old one, you did nothing but complain. Dad’s teaching you a lesson for your own good. It’s not mean. It’s parenting.


Faze Reader:
I feel like the worst person in the world right now. My friend and I were talking about people who get on our nerves and I started talking about this guy who acts like he’s so much smarter than everyone, but she didn’t know who I meant. I SAID HE WAS IN THE ROOM, LOOKED BACK TO POINT HIM OUT AND HE WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME! Like, RIGHT behind me. He sort of smiled/sneered at me, so I know he heard everything. Problem is, he’s not a totally bad guy and I don’t want him to hate me. Has something like this ever happened to you? What do I do?
ED:
Well here's a novel idea: apologize. Not that it would be sincere, because you’re apologizing for getting caught more than anything. Notice how you say you don’t want him to hate you, but you didn`t say you were sorry you may have upset him. It’s all about you. He’s better off keeping his distance from you until you stop being so self-centered. You did him a favour.
RED:
Yeah, wow, maybe talking about people while they’re right in the room isn’t the greatest idea? I’d say that not only do you have to apologize, but you have to realize that your gossiping is out of control. This guy may hate you. He’d have every right. If you don’t want people to hate you, don’t hate on them.


Faze Reader:
My friend Megan and I both love shoes. Her parents are way strict and won’t let her buy anything with a heel, so I think that’s why Megan loves to come over to my house because I have a wicked collection of high boots and stilettos and just generally awesome shoes. BUT SHE WANTS TO TRY THEM ALL ON AND HER FEET ARE DISGUSTING! They are always dirty and seriously smell bad. How can I tell her, in a nice but firm way, that I don’t want her near them?
ED:
Telling someone they have bad hygiene never gets easier. Much as I like to tell it like it is, even I have trouble doing it. So, since unlike me you don’t have lackeys to do it for you, I have no idea how to do this tactfully. Ask Red. Or you could just tell her you lost all your shoes in a fire.
RED:
Take your friend for a pedicure. If you’ve got the money for all those shoes, you can afford it. And you shouldn’t be sharing shoes anyway, especially barefoot: you can transmit athlete’s foot and plantar warts.


Look out for Ed's compilation CD!
Featuring "songs that don't suck"
(With tracks from Sum 41, Swollen Members, Gob, Bif Naked, LiveOnRelease and more)




Follow Faze on Twitter @FazeMagazine





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