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In every issue of FAZE MAGAZINE,
our readers bare their souls to
Ed & Red, Canada's high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and, especially, common sense.
Here are Ed & Red's unfettered and heartfelt replies.
Send your own questions to ed@faze.ca and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer you in an upcoming issue of FAZE.
ISSUE #19 Q & A
Faze Reader:
You always smoke the same cigar. What’s up with that?
Is it a real Cuban?
ED REPLIES:
I recognize that you aren’t a trained journalist, but
you should still have had enough education to understand that
“What’s up with that?” is not a coherent question. It lacks precision,
focus and direction. I will therefore answer the only actual question you
posed – no, it is not a Cuban cigar. Why should I waste that kind of money?
And no, I don’t recommend you take up smoking cigars, unless you,
too, are a puppet without lungs.
Faze Reader:
My girlfriend doesn’t trust me because her friend likes me, so
she thinks that I want to go out with her friend. What should I tell
my girlfriend to convince her I still like her?
ED REPLIES:
It isn’t that your girlfriend doesn’t trust you
– she doesn’t trust her ability to keep you
interested in the face of the temptation provided by her
friend. Now, if this girl were really her friend, she would
have kept her attraction to herself. But that’s another issue.
Unfortunately, girls are often insecure. The media tells them
they are never good enough, at least until they’ve starved
themselves and had countless unnecessary cosmetic
surgeries. Just show her that you value her, treat her
with respect and show sensitivity to her concerns.
And don’t go publicly drooling over those
surgically enhanced bimbos on the
cover of Maxim.
Faze Reader:
I cut my hair six months ago and since
then my hair’s grown about a centimetre. Is
there something wrong with my head/scalp?
ED REPLIES:
Have you confused me for a doctor?
Better yet, a scalp specialist? If so, there
may be something wrong with your head
that has nothing to do with the health
of your follicles.
Faze Reader:
My
boyfriend is so
embarrassing.
He is always
making fart
jokes in public
and thinks they
are funny.
Sometimes he'll
even do that
fake burping
thing for no
reason. I've told
him I'm
uncomfortable
hanging out
with him when
he does these
things, but he
just laughs at
me. Can I break
up with him
over this?
Please say yes.
ED REPLIES:
Okay, here’s the bigger question –
why are you asking a stranger for permission
to make decisions that affect your life?
If he makes you uncomfortable in his behaviour, and
won’t stop out of respect for your discomfort - dump
him. While burping-on-command is a bit much, good
luck finding a guy who doesn’t think fart jokes
are funny. I think they’re hilarious.
Here, pull my finger...
Faze Reader:
Is there a Mrs.
Ed the sock — you’re
always doing media
stuff—does that
affect your time
with her? And are
your parents proud
of you?
ED REPLIES:
Okay, time for more journalism
lessons. In your first sentence, you
asked not one but two questions, and neither
one very well.
No, there is no Mrs. Ed the Sock, and my
personal life is none of your business,
unless I put it on my TV show.
Faze Reader:
My ex is so annoying. She always comes to
parties where she knows I’ll be at and then stares
at me or gives me dirty looks if I’m talking with
other girls. I don’t really like her that much and I
want to tell her to get out of my life, but that’s
mean. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
Absolutely nothing. You owe her no explanation
for your social activities. She is just trying to get your
attention to prove that she still has importance in your
life. Ignore her. She’ll move on, and so will you. Then
again, maybe she gives you dirty looks because you’re a
jerk. Maybe some introspection is required. After
you’ve looked up the word in the dictionary.
Look out for Ed's compilation CD!
Featuring "songs that don't suck"
(With tracks from Sum 41, Swollen Members, Gob, Bif Naked, LiveOnRelease and more)
Follow Faze on Twitter @FazeMagazine
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